Not Long 4 This World and Meanest Story nominee: Barbra Streisand battles deadly disease!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

There are two new additions to the Tabloid Vulture list this week and they battle it out for Meanest Story of the Week with Steve Jobs, who allegedly died because he was a Buddhist.  The Enquirer, which has previously published that Barbra Striesand is a hoarder whose marriage is on the rocks, now says she has a deadly cancer.  Here are the headlines.

• Breaking news! Streisand cancer bombshell!
• Barbra's battle with deadly disease
• Husband James by her side
• Her new nightmare after colon surgery

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Not Long 4 This World and Meanest Story nominee: Demi Moore's weight plunges to a life threatening level.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Most weeks, it's the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the Enquirer, Globe and low rent Examiner fighting it out for Meanest Story of the Week, but this week three of the allegedly more reputable gossip rags put Demi Moore on the tabloid vulture list, saying her life style could kill her.  These are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Starving to keep her man
  Demi's daughters fear for her life
  95 lbs. and dropping
  500 calories a day
  Taking dangerous diet hormones
  What is she thinking?
• OK!: Starving for attention
  What's behind (Demi's) dangerous weight loss
• In Touch: Demi's deadly diet

These are co-nominees for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Larry Hagman fighting deadly disease!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

In March, the low rent Examiner said Larry Hagman had Alzheimer's. Now, the Globe says he is battling a deadly disease. This puts him on the tabloid death watch and makes this count as a Meanest Story of the Week.

Best wishes to Larry Hagman, his family and friends, from a fan of I Dream of Jeannie.

Meanest Story nominee: Michael Douglas marked for death!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Michael Douglas is no stranger to the tabloids saying he's going to die. While he lived through one expiration date earlier this year, he has yet another one coming up at Thanksgiving.

This time it's not the cancer but the Mexican drug cartel, if you can believe it. The Enquirer says his ne'er-do-well son Cameron has ratted on the Mexicans and they are going to come after his family or that's at least what "insiders fear".

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee and Not Long 4 This World alert: Barry Manilow's deadly heart condition.

Publication: Globe
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

The Globe editors have decided their readers would really like to hear bad news about the great hit songwriter Barry Manilow. In June, it was a plastic surgery disaster. Now, he has a deadly heart condition.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Reese Witherspoon's brain surgery drama!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Earlier this month, Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car and briefly hospitalized. It was a one day story in the online gossip world and the timing was bad for the supermarket rags. But more than a week later, the Enquirer puts her on the cover with overly sensational headlines.

• Days after being hit by car
• Reese's Brain Surgery Drama!
  
• World Exclusive photos inside
• It could be deadly!

Technically, any strong concussion can turn deadly, but it's rare. For the serious over-reaction, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Chaz Bono's life in danger!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 15 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been... oh hell, who am I kidding? I was raised agnostic and I've NEVER been to confession.

But I did sin. I opened one of these damned magazines.

To me, "life in danger" isn't exactly "Brave Last Days", and even though the Flagship also wrote "Cher fights to save him", I had to see what the big damn deal was.

Chaz is getting hitched and wants to diet for the wedding.

As a fat person, I say good for him.

The Enquirer says he is putting his life at risk by going on a 2,000 calorie a day diet.

Aww, hellz no, as we say in Oaktown.

1,500 calories a day, that's dicey. 900 calories a day? That what the Germans fed Jewish prisoners who they wanted to keep alive just long enough to build the V-2 rocket sites.

Extremely bad idea.

But 2,000 calories is completely within the normal scale. I am giving it a Not Long 4 This World label because they used the word "deadly" in the article, but I'm still calling bullshit on this story.

You want to lose weight for your wedding, Chaz? Good idea. You have to look at those pictures forever.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Regis' shocking tell-all book!

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Only the two supermarket rags that have the lion's share of Hey Old Timer Gossip, the Globe and the low rent Examiner, think Regis Phiblin is a source of hot dish. This time it's the Globe who says their is a tell-all book, for which someone will be paid $10 million. It isn't clear on the cover whether he is the author or someone is ratting on him. Here are the headlines.

• Divorce bombshell
• Other women
• How he nearly died - THREE TIMES
• Inside: Shocking truth about Kathie Lee
  

She Fought The Law (and won) Alert™: A passel of Casey Anthony stories.

Publications: National Enquirer, National Examiner, Globe, Star, In Touch
Date: 25 July 2010

If we ignore the Sun, which is usually about the end of the world, the five meanest gossip rags are the other four published by AMI (National Enquirer, the low rent Examiner, Globe, Star) and In Touch. All five of those have Casey Anthony stories this week. Here are the headlines.

• In Touch: Casey and her lawyer: getting physical!
• National Examiner: Casey Anthony verdict: what do you think?
• Globe: Casey Anthony marked for death!
  Chilling threat targets Monster Mom
• Star: Casey Anthony ca$hing in (OUTRAGE!)
• National Enquirer: Casey Anthony Wedding Bombshell
  Secret new life of America's most hated woman
  Another baby to replace Caylee
  $50K plastic surgery makeover
  Where she'll live and more

For a little outrage overspill, the Enquirer has a picture of the judge in the case and a story from his mistress blabbing about his cheating.

This is a lot of stories, but only counts as a single week's coverage by my way of counting. We will see if she remains gossip-worthy as the year continues.

Meanest story nominee: Glen Campbell's final battle

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 18 July 2011

The news of Glen Campbell's Alzheimer's diagnosis is two weeks old now, first put on the cover by the National Enquirer, but the low rent Examiner decides to re-hash the story and call it Campbell's "final battle", so I'm giving this the "Not Long 4 This World" label, even though the mentally debilitating disease does not necessarily mean a shorter life, just a much less pleasant one. In this "exclusive", the low rent Examiner promises to give the "tragic reason behind shocking Alzheimer's confession".

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.