On the rocks alert: This week's Kim'N'Kris news, all bad.

Publications: People, In Touch, OK!, Star, Us Weekly
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The lyricist Fran Landesman died this year. One of her best known songs from the 1950s is The Ballad of the Sad Young Men, which has this opening verse.

Sing a song of sad young men,
Glasses full of rye.
All the news is bad again so
Kiss your dreams goodbye.

I don't know if it was really Kris Humphries' dream to marry a glamour girl, but if it was, I feel a little sorry for him. Here are the headlines about their marriage, barely two months old and already circling the drain, if we accept the stories on five gossip rag covers this week.

• People: Kim on married life: "It's not been ideal."
• OK!: Kris begs Kim: "Don't leave me!"
  His humiliating apology to Kim
  He comes clean about the other women
  Kim speaks candidly to OK! on what she hates about Kris
• In Touch: Inside Kim's fake marriage
• Star: Kim moves out!
  She's sick of Kris spending all her money
• Us Weekly: Enough!
  After a vicious fight Kim tells Kris: Stop mooching and get to work!
  As Kim worries she made the mistake of her life, can she save her marriage?

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™ and On the Rocks Alert: Oprah incensed as Gayle steals Stedman!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The Oprah/Gayle/Stedman triangle has been an unstable situation for some time now according to the gossip rags, but how about a curveball to throw it completely out of whack? Yes, Stedman is seeing Gayle according to the low rent Examiner. They call this "breaking news", the latest fad in these slow moving publishing dinosaurs, and of course, Oprah is furious.

On the rocks alert: Prince Albert's secret $1 billion divorce deal

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The deal that Monaco has with France is all about the royal line. If there's somebody in the Grimaldi clan ready to be the next prince, they get to go on being their own little and ridiculously rich country. If not, it gets swallowed up by France. (This rule was strictly enforced back in Grace Kelly's day. It's a little more lax now.)

In any case, the Globe says Prince Albert and his bride, a South African swimmer named Charlene Wittstock, are already on the outs and there will be a secret divorce costing one billion dollars.

For those of you keeping score at home, the wedding was this July. If this story is to be believed, their fairy tale wedding blew up in their faces faster even that Kim'n'Kris. No matter how you slice it, that's some really expensive sex.

Or if you believe the nearly constant rumors, lack of same.

Annoying label bookkeeping for the Ashton Demi Bruce story of 31 Oct.

A link to the post below.

On the rocks alert and Man Slut warning: Kris Humphries does his Ashton Kutcher impression.

Publications: Star, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Here it is, October 20, but the magazine that hit the stand today are dated October 31. These Halloween gossip rags bring no treats for little hobbit hottie Kim Kardashian and her orc groom Kris Humphries. Earlier stories of trouble in their months old marriage were all over the place, but this week two magazines have agreed on a narrative.

Kris is a man slut and Kim is going to kick him to the curb. Here are the headlines.

• Star: Breaking News
  Kim & Kris THE END
  'He never really loved her' - shocking tell-all
  Kris leaves town alone
  She catches him with two women
  They taunt Kim with the details
  Now: a divorce lawyer
• Weekly Life & Style: Friends and family confirm
  Headed for a split!
  Has Kris cheated already?
  Kris caught with a blonde at 5 a.m.
  Kim's ring is off
  Inside their screaming fights
  The Kardashians scramble to protect their millions
  

Hussy alert: Cameron battles Jessica for Justin

Publication: Star
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Star magazine says the newly single Cameron Diaz is ready to battle for the affections of her former beau Justin Timberlake with his current squeeze Jessica Biel. There was a story about these three in a love triangle back in April 2010, with Justin the man slut as the instigator.

Man Slut Alert: Did Donald Trump cheat?

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Way back in November 2010, the Enquirer had Donald Trump on the cover with the ridiculous idea that he would run for president. For several months earlier this year, the Three Wicked Step Sisters presented him as the King of the Birthers.

Now, all that noise is over and other more reliable gossip rags can speak the truth about him. Donald Trump is a swine who uses women until they get too old, then trades them in for newer models. Weekly Life & Style is slightly coy about this, putting a question mark at the end of the sentence, but I think we all know the answer is yes.

The bad pennies return: Emily's ordeal.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

The last we heard from the annoying couple Brad and Emily from The Bachelor was way back in July, when after it was clear she was through with him, Us Weekly published one more story saying he wanted her back. Now, the same magazine publishes the same basic facts in October, that he is still begging, and calls it "Emily's Ordeal".

I think it's time for Emily's lawyer to start a new story entitled "Brad's restraining order."

On the rocks alert and Damn You Skinny Alert™: All the Demi and Ashton drama this week

Publications: People, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Last week there were six stories about Ashton and Demi. This week only three. Still, it's one of the most covered stories in the rags this time around. Here are the headlines.

• People: Demi & Ashton
  Working on their marriage
• In Touch: Alcohol abuse and anorexia fears
  Demi's rehab nightmare
  Pressure to keep her younger man sends Demi in a tailspin. Inside her private struggle
  Plus: Ashton's mistress speaks

And a third story all about blabbermouth Sara Leal.

• Us Weekly: The other woman speaks
  My affair with Ashton
  How Kutcher seduced 22-year-old Sara Leal.
  Shocking new details of their X-rated night together

Clearly, this story is not going away for a while.

On the rocks alert and Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kim'n'Kris in crisis. And, oh yeah, Khloe hates the guy.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Both literally and figuratively, the honeymoon is over for hot hobbit Kim Kardashian and her orc husband Kris Humphries. The wedding was just this August and after a few nice stories about a honeymoon in Italy, it's been a non-stop crap storm for the mismatched pair. Here are the headlines about them.

• OK: Kim&Kris: Faking it for the cameras
• Weekly Life & Style: Exclusive interview
  'What have I done?'
  Kim realizes her marriage is a mistake and demands a break from Kris
  Tears and regret after only 53 days
  

And just to make matters worse for Humphries, currently without a paycheck due to the NBA labor crisis, his sister in law Khloe flat out dislikes him.

• Us Weekly: Sisters torn apart: Why Khloe hates Kris

I really don't understand the public's obsession with this family and I can't tell if a huge wedding plastered all over their show and the gossip rags followed by a quickie divorce will be good or bad for their reality TV empire, but my best guess is that they have peaked and the decline in interest is now inevitable.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. And, oh yeah, Sandra Bullock and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Publications: People, In Touch, Star, OK!
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively were co-stars in Green Lantern this year, which explains this picture of them together at ComicCon, where Ryan stares into the camera manfully instead of gazing at the obvious focal point for every other guy in the room. Now they are supposed to be a couple, which allegedly brings heartbreak to Sandra Bullock, who has been romantically linked to Reynolds in several stories that both of them have denied. Blake's brief romance with Leonardo DiCaprio is also mentioned. Here are the headlines.

• People: Ryan Reynolds & Blake Lively: New Romance?
• OK!: Blake steals Sandra's man!
  she's 23 years younger than Sandra!
  Right after dumping Leo, Blake hooks up with Ryan.
  Inside their steamy Boston weekend!
• Star: Exclusive details
  Sandra dumped by Ryan
• In Touch: Blake: How she stole Ryan

On the rocks alert: Blake and Leo split!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Back in May, there were three headlines in the same week about new couple Loenardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively. A week later, Us Weekly gave us juicy details about how he wooed her.

Since then, nothing until now, when Us again reports that they have broken up.

You win some, you lose some.

On the rocks alert: Angie and her bodyguard too close!

Publication: Star
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! All things must pass and there will come a week when all will be silent forever more on the BrAngelina front.

This is not that week. Next week doesn't look good either.

This time, it's the Star saying Angie is up to her old tricks, this time with the bodyguard and Brad is in a jealous rage.

It's always something with these two, isn't it?

On the rocks alert: Six stories about the troubles of Demi and Ashton.

Publications: National Enquirer, Star, People, Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 October 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The trouble in the marriage of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore is easily the Story of the Week on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, with six covers out of ten. (In actuality, it's six of seven. Ashton and Demi are too young to be of interest to the Globe and the low rent Examiner, and the Sun would only be interested in their marital woes if Nostradamus had predicted them.) Usually when there are this many stories, they point all over the place, but with one exception, these pretty much point in the direction of Ashton's penis. Here are the headlines.

• People: Demi's heartbreak
  Her troubled marriage
• National Enquirer: Demi's revenge - She'll destroy cheating Ashton
• Weekly Life & Style: Demi's kids take Ashton's side
• In Touch: Demi's nightmare: Ashton's love child shocker!
  Exclusive: Mistress tells all!
  Unsafe sex in his car and house
  Dumped her after she found out the baby news
  Humiliated Demi can't eat - drops to 95 lbs.!
• Us Weekly: On their anniversary caught cheating
  Ashton hooks up with two girls at an all-night hot tub party. As they enter counseling, can Demi forgive him?
  22-year-old Sara Leal
• Star: Demi & Ashton: The photos that ended their marriage!
  Demi breaks down after Ashton hooks up with 23-year-old on their wedding anniversary
  Ashton's caught cheating on camera
  17 world exclusive photos
  Ashton surrounded by blondes in his hotel room
  Ashton's lover keeps on partying
  
  And for good measure, here's the picture of Sara Leal, the pretty young girl with the big mouth, both literally and figuratively, who is being cast in the role of homewrecker.

On the rocks alert: More trouble for Kim'N'Kris.

Publications: National Enquirer, OK!, Star
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kim'N'Kris barely had a honeymoon when it comes to coverage in the supermarket rags, and this week their new marriage is dragged through the mud by three different mags with three different takes on the source of the trouble. It should be noted that they are getting hit from all sides of the Naughty to Nice Spectrum, from the meanest rag the Enquirer to the nicest OK!, with Star thrown in for good measure.

The Enquirer's story is under a banner headline of "Dirty Divorces!", but a sub-headline of "Whose marriage can be saved - whose can't" holds out a small glimmer of hope for the Orc groom and his hot Hobbitt bride. Here are the headlines.

• Enquirer: Kris wants out - He's sick of Kim's whining and overspending
• Star: Kim betrayed!
  Hubby caught with two other women
• OK!: Kris and Kim: their nastiest fight ever
  

On the rocks alert: Jada moves out.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! A lot of stories about marriages crumbling this week and Enquirer has three under the banner headline "Dirty Divorces!" Often I put all of these stories together in a single post, but this week many other mags have stories about the same relationships, so I will treat each sad story separately.

Only the Enquirer gives us an update on the marital woes of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith. According to that mag, she has moved out and he is preparing for an ugly $300 million split.

On the rocks alert: Halle's custody battle turns violent.

Publication: Star
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

The supermarket rags leave Halle Berry alone for the most part. The last time she was mentioned was when her ex Gabriel Aubry was romantically linked with Kim Kardashian for about a minute and a half earlier this year. Now there are "secret court papers" saying that her custody battle has grown violent.

Whatever excuse I get for using this picture of her, I don't mind.

'Cos she's purdy.

Meanest story nominee: Demi & Ashton's $290 million divroce!

Publication: Star
Date: 10 October 2011

It was thirteen months ago when Star broke the story about Ashton Kutcher cheating. For a few weeks, several of the supermarket rags piled on, but nothing came of it. This week, Star again accuses Kutcher of cheating and uses the majority of the cover to say it's the end of the marriage. Here are the headlines.

• They've been living apart for months
• Ashton's serial cheating exposed
• His secret fling with Britney Spears
• World exclusive: It's over!
• The final showdown

Kutcher has responded on Twitter with a link to the Public Enemy song Don't Believe The Hype.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

UPDATE: One week later, this story is on six covers, so whether a divorce actually comes of it or not, in retrospect this gets a Scoop of the Week label.

On the rocks alert: Nicole walks out on Joel.

Publication: Star
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Last trash of the week... right now!

Star claims an exclusive story about Nicole Richie leaving Joel Madden, the couple who married last December. The website GossipCop.com says it's just a rumor.

Nicole has been nearly invisible on the covers of the gossip rags in 2011 and this is Joel Madden's first appearance this year. Nicole's co-star on a reality TV show called The Simple Life is also of next to no interest to the gossip mags so far in 2011.

This gives hope to those want to see the end of the plagues known as Teen Mom and all things Kardashian.

On the rocks alert: Jessica (Biel) betrayed!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Us Weekly has yet another story about man slut Justin Timberlake cheating on Jessica Biel.

I blush to write this because actresses are among the most attractive women in the public eye, but Jessica Biel doesn't do that much for me. Maybe she just doesn't take a good picture.

On the other hand, Justin's alleged latest conquest, Scarlett Johansson, takes a very good picture. Quite often when a celebrity couple breaks up, one party is portrayed as the cheater and the other as the wronged party. In the case of Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett, they both come off as kind of slutty, though Reynolds does get positive stories as a good male role model for Sandra Bullock's adopted son Louis.