We gotta collapser! Garth Brooks breaks down.

Publication: Globe

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Two separate stories about Garth Brooks in two of the Wicked Step Sister tabloids.  The low rent Examiner says there's a baby on the way, while the Globe says he has broken down in grief with all the bad news about the health of loved ones over the past few months.

 

Best wishes to Garth, his family and friends.

Bun in the oven alert™: The OFFICIAL story about Wills'N'Kate's first kid.

Publication: Globe
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The screaming headline on the cover of the Globe states IT'S OFFICIAL when obviously it's not, but their story is that Kate Middleton is definitely pregnant and it's definitely a girl. Here are the rest of the headlines.

• Kate's having baby girl!
• Palace uproar: Royals want male heir
• William building $1m pink nursery here (Buckingham Palace)
  

Clint Eastwood under attack by FBI!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Mister Clint Eastwood! The iconic actor is now on nearly everybody's list of the greatest American directors working today, and according to the Globe, his latest movie, a biopic of J. Edgar Hoover starring Leonardo DiCaprio, has him in hot water with the FBI.

I almost gave this a "planted crap" label, but there is no point in planting a story in the Globe and while Clint may be a Republican, I still think he is way too classy for a stunt like that. I am eagerly looking forward to this film and wish Mister Eastwood every success.

Demon Drugs Alert™: Whitney Houston goes berserk!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Last year and early this year, if there was a story about Whitney Houston in the tabs, it was in the Enquirer. Ever since she lived through her expiration date, stories about her have been fobbed off onto the low rent Examiner and now to the Globe. Here are the headlines.

• Whitney Houston goes berserk!
• Is she back on drugs?
  

Surprisingly nice headline of the week:Fans love Doris Day's new album.

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The dogs in the AMI kennel have been trying to kill off Doris Day for a couple years now, and when she decided to record a new album at 87 years old, they published a story that she was desperate for money.

Well, guess what? Doris still has fans and the fans are very happy with her new work.

Good for you, Miss Day.

On the rocks alert: Prince Albert's secret $1 billion divorce deal

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The deal that Monaco has with France is all about the royal line. If there's somebody in the Grimaldi clan ready to be the next prince, they get to go on being their own little and ridiculously rich country. If not, it gets swallowed up by France. (This rule was strictly enforced back in Grace Kelly's day. It's a little more lax now.)

In any case, the Globe says Prince Albert and his bride, a South African swimmer named Charlene Wittstock, are already on the outs and there will be a secret divorce costing one billion dollars.

For those of you keeping score at home, the wedding was this July. If this story is to be believed, their fairy tale wedding blew up in their faces faster even that Kim'n'Kris. No matter how you slice it, that's some really expensive sex.

Or if you believe the nearly constant rumors, lack of same.

Demon Rum Alert™: Camilla's drunken tirade stuns queen

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

It's too bad that the popular Camilla in the tabloids is Camilla Parker-Bowles and not Camilla Belle. She really is cute as a bug's ear.

But since the publication date of this week's tabloids is Halloween, it's only fair we get a story about this old bat. Camilla once again got drunk, once again said nasty things about Kate and this time she stunned the queen, who should kinda sorta be used to drunks saying stupid things by now, given her family history.

Meanest Story nominee: Penny Marshall has six months to live!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Penny Marshall has been on the Brave Last Days list since last year and the stories about her have been in the Globe. I assumed they thought her life was in danger because of her weight, but instead it was about an alleged cancer diagnosis. In August, the Globe reported a nice story that she had lost weight and the cancer was gone. Here are this week's headlines.

• Penny Marshall dying
• Her cancer is back
• Six months to live
• Race against time to write tell all book
• Then and now pictures

Best wishes to Ms. Marshall, her family and friends. This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

They Fought The Law Alert™: The Globe wants killers to stay in prison.

Publication: Globe
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

The Globe does a grab bag story about famous killers who did not get life sentences who may be released outright or get out on parole. (Fat chance for the parole.) Here are the headlines.

• Outrage! Keep these monsters caged
• Charles Manson: parole hearing next year
• John Hinckley free next month?
• Susan Smith free age age 53
• Sirhan Sirhan just four more years
• Mark David Chapman could be out in months
• David Berkowitz Son of Sam killer parole bid 2012
• Yolanda Saldivar wont serve life sentence (Selena's killer)
  

Rich people are rich: Michelle Obama's spending out of control!

Publication: Globe
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

The Globe gets in on the story the other Wicked Step Sister tabloids have been trying to sell for a while now, that Michelle Obama is spending like a crazy person. Here are the headlines.

• Vacations
• Fashions
• Parties
• Now she wants movie star's $28 million mansion
  

Breaking news (?): Garth Brooks' cancer tragedy.

Publication: Globe
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Two different gossip magazines promised "breaking news" this week, which is not really possible in this era of the 24 hour news cycle for a magazine that has its front page set by Tuesday and hits the stands on Thursday. The Globe website tells us that Trisha Yearwood's mom has died from cancer. Last year, the low rent Examiner told us Garth's ex-wife Sandy also has a bad prognosis with cancer.

Best wishes to all concerned.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Globe goes on a rock'n'roll nostalgia trip

Publication: Globe
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The Globe has a "Where Are They Now?" cover story every few months, and this time it's about rock'n'roll stars from the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s. There is no Brave Last Days stuff or shocking secret teasers, so this counts as a positive story from the Globe, the second meanest of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids. Here is the list, none of whom have been mentioned on the covers of the supermarket rags in this young decade.

• Little Richard
• Linda Ronstadt (includes picture of her as a little old lady today)
• Joni Mitchell
• Fabian
• Don Everly
  

and...
wait for it!

• Sam the Sham!

Nice list, Globe. Except for Fabian, I have owned records by all of these artists at one time or another.

Now everybody... let's start it up!

Uno, Dos...ONE, TWO, TRES, QUATRO!

Watch it, now, watch it!

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™ and Bun in the Oven Alert: Kate crushes Camilla... and, oh yeah, she's gonna have a baby.

Publication: Globe
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Once again, Kate and Camilla are at each others' throat and allegedly, the younger, taller, more fit competitor has won this round. Apparently, all Kate had to say is "Go to hell, Camilla!" and by Buckingham Palace rules, she wins!

And, as an aside at the end, the Globe lets us know the date Wills'N'Kate have set aside for the royal heir to be born.

Meanest story nominee: The Enquirer and Globe gang up on Dr. Conrad Murray.

Publications: National Enquirer, Globe
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

For the first time that I can recall, two stories get lumped together with a chance to win the Meanest Story of the Week competition, as both the Enquirer and Globe both do everything they can to convict Dr. Conrad Murray of the manslaughter of Michael Jackson before the trial is over. Here are the headlines.

• Enquirer: Michael Jackson trial bombshell
  Dr. Murray's death kit found!
  Drugs, bloody needles, patient files and more discovered in his storage locker
• Globe: Michael Jackson murdered!
  What Dr. Death is hiding from jury
  Official court photo - more inside

I haven't been paying attention to the trial, but it's taking place in Los Angeles. Juries down there are capable of anything.

These stories get a joint nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: War on the set of The X-Factor!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Nicole Scherzinger! The lead singer of The Pussycat Dolls is now a judge on The X-Factor, the blatant rip-off of American False Idol Simon Cowell is trying to foist off on the American public with limited success. (He was quoted as saying audiences of less than 20 million would be a failure, a judgment he has since backed away from when the numbers came in at about 12 to 14 million viewers.)

In any case, Nicole is supposed to be feuding with fellow judge Paula Abdul, both of whom are perfect for a show like this about manufactured pop where musicianship, talent and having something to say are completely irrelevant.

To give an idea of what a failure this whole venture is, note that this story is in the Globe, one of the gossip rags whose audience skews older and poorer than the others.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Goldie's three day sex binge!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

There is a tell all book coming about Goldie Hawn written by Bill Hudson, the father of Goldie's daughter Kate. From what I can tell, Hudson is a bitter has-been jealous of his more successful ex-wife and daughter. In any case, the story that makes the cover of the Globe is that Goldie went on a three-day sex binge at some undisclosed point in the past.

Problems With Plastic Alert and Fussin' and Feudin' Alert: Hillary's secret plastic surgery!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

The Globe continues with the theme that Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton really don't like one another. Here are the headlines.

• After Michelle Obama calls her old, sloppy & fat…
• Hillary's secret plastic surgery!
• Now she's ready to kick the Obamas out of the White House!
  

Farewell to Bob Hope's widow 1909-2011

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Bob Hope's widow Delores died last week, and the Globe has a respectful send-off to her. No secrets taken to the grave, no battles among her children, just a dignified farewell.

Here's something I don't write every week. Well done, Globe editorial staff.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: 9/11 mourners attack arrogant Kirstie Alley!

Publication: Globe
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

The Globe repeats a story that Kirstie Alley got on the wrong side of people at a September 11 tribute by demanding a helicopter ride entrance. There were restrictions on the air space and her request was denied.

Hey Old Timer Gossip: Mary Tyler Moore new health drama!

Publication: Globe
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

The Globe once again tells us about the health problems of people who became famous back before I graduated high school, which is a very long time ago. They have a picture of Mary Tyler Moore with some unidentified swelling on her cheek and the caption "Photo shocker!" They do not use the words deadly or dying on the cover and they do not say she was hospitalized, so this is just another of the indignities of growing old in the public eye, more or less.

Best wishes to Miss Moore, from a fan.