Cher's shocking breakdown over Chaz!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Most of the stories I read elsewhere talk about how much support Cher has given to Chaz Bono as he competes on Dancing With The Stars, but the Enquirer always has to pee in the punch bowl and given that, they have a cover story of a much nastier nature. Here are the headlines.

• Exclusive what you didn't see on DWTS
• She can't accept transgender son
• Cher's shocking breakdown over Chaz!
• Plus: Cher lashes out at 'Dancing' - vicious insults and nasty slurs

Stay classy, Enquirer.

Problems With Plastic Alert: Chaz Bono's $10,000 Plastic surgery nightmare!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The Enquirer tells us that Chaz Bono has had a $10,000 plastic surgery nightmare, and puts a picture of him shirtless on the cover. The also call this a "DWTS shocker!", so it's pretty obvious that Chaz's being on the show is the reason this is new the Enquirer thinks you can use.

She Fought The Law Alert™: Chaz Bono's fiance arrested!

Publication: Star
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Star claims an exclusive with a story that Jennifer Elia, referred to as Chaz Bono's fiance, has been arrested. Though the cover does not mention Dancing With The Star, I assume the show is the reason for the recently increased interest in Chaz and his life, so it gets a label.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and Bundle of Joy alert: Chaz Bono wedding and adoption plans.

Publication: Star
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

This story does not mention Dancing With The Stars, but I assume Chaz Bono will be getting more stories in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter as long as he is part of that competition. The Star reports on his wedding plans to longtime girlfriend Jennifer Elia and their plans to adopt.

Meanest story nominee: Chaz Bono cancer shocker

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

I don't watch Dancing With The Stars, but I do somewhat admire the show's ability to generate gossip. Chaz Bono is the obvious negative lightning rod this season, though I think Nancy Grace will also add a lot of new people to the list of folks who hate her guts. The Enquirer says there is a shocker involving cancer for Chaz. Here are the headlines.

• DWTS Chaz Bono
• Cancer shocker
• His tears and pain
• World exclusive news and photos
  

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Not Long 4 This World Alert: Chaz Bono's life in danger!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 15 August 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays!

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been... oh hell, who am I kidding? I was raised agnostic and I've NEVER been to confession.

But I did sin. I opened one of these damned magazines.

To me, "life in danger" isn't exactly "Brave Last Days", and even though the Flagship also wrote "Cher fights to save him", I had to see what the big damn deal was.

Chaz is getting hitched and wants to diet for the wedding.

As a fat person, I say good for him.

The Enquirer says he is putting his life at risk by going on a 2,000 calorie a day diet.

Aww, hellz no, as we say in Oaktown.

1,500 calories a day, that's dicey. 900 calories a day? That what the Germans fed Jewish prisoners who they wanted to keep alive just long enough to build the V-2 rocket sites.

Extremely bad idea.

But 2,000 calories is completely within the normal scale. I am giving it a Not Long 4 This World label because they used the word "deadly" in the article, but I'm still calling bullshit on this story.

You want to lose weight for your wedding, Chaz? Good idea. You have to look at those pictures forever.

Best wishes to all concerned.