Damn You Skinny Alert™: Ricki Lake loses 20 lbs.

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Ricki Lake!  The actress and talk show hostess has recently lost weight and this is being reported in a good way, one of the few weight stories this week with a positive slant.  Good for her.

On the rocks alert: This week's Kim'N'Kris news, all bad.

Publications: People, In Touch, OK!, Star, Us Weekly
Date: 7 Nov. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The lyricist Fran Landesman died this year. One of her best known songs from the 1950s is The Ballad of the Sad Young Men, which has this opening verse.

Sing a song of sad young men,
Glasses full of rye.
All the news is bad again so
Kiss your dreams goodbye.

I don't know if it was really Kris Humphries' dream to marry a glamour girl, but if it was, I feel a little sorry for him. Here are the headlines about their marriage, barely two months old and already circling the drain, if we accept the stories on five gossip rag covers this week.

• People: Kim on married life: "It's not been ideal."
• OK!: Kris begs Kim: "Don't leave me!"
  His humiliating apology to Kim
  He comes clean about the other women
  Kim speaks candidly to OK! on what she hates about Kris
• In Touch: Inside Kim's fake marriage
• Star: Kim moves out!
  She's sick of Kris spending all her money
• Us Weekly: Enough!
  After a vicious fight Kim tells Kris: Stop mooching and get to work!
  As Kim worries she made the mistake of her life, can she save her marriage?

Bells Done Rung Alert™: Exclusive wedding albums

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip heck, Nikki Reed! The actress from the Twilight series got married and Us ran pictures from her wedding album.

Shannen Doherty also got married. Us tells its readers that she had three gowns. I'm no fashion expert, but I hope the other two looked better than this one.

Prince Harry's wild American nights!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

This Saturday it's all about the royals on the blog. Everybody's favorite ginger playboy Prince Harry is in the United States getting valuable military training, but he's also out having fun and causing a ruckus, a skill set he has trained for all his young life.

Hey, it's not like his sperm decides the fate of the monarchy, right? Let the young guy have some fun, I say.

Love Bird Alert™: J. Lo and Bradley Cooper.

(photo credit: Peter Kramer/AP)
Publications: People, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Five weeks ago, there was a flurry of five stories about Jennifer Lopez dating Bradley Cooper. This week, a second smaller flurry of three stories talks about the new couple. Their relationship has also reached an important gossip milestone, since there are now actual pictures of them together in public easily available on the Internet. Here are the headlines.

• People: J. Lo & Bradley: It's on!
• OK!: J. Lo & Bradley Caught!
  She's not even divorced yet!
• Us Weekly: Jen's secret romance
  After Bradley pursues her for weeks with late-night calls and intimate dinners, J. Lo spends the night. Why she took a chance on him
  

I know I'm just a lowly blogger, but I have two pieces of advice for Mr. Cooper.

1. Sun screen.
2. RUN! No, the other direction.

The bad pennies return: Emily's ordeal.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

The last we heard from the annoying couple Brad and Emily from The Bachelor was way back in July, when after it was clear she was through with him, Us Weekly published one more story saying he wanted her back. Now, the same magazine publishes the same basic facts in October, that he is still begging, and calls it "Emily's Ordeal".

I think it's time for Emily's lawyer to start a new story entitled "Brad's restraining order."

Bells Done Rung Alert™ and co-Meanest Story of the Week: Paul McCartney and Nancy Shevell.

Publications: National Enquirer, Us Weekly
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Two stories about a 68 year old Beatle getting hitched for the third time, and they are as different as chalk and cheese. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Paul's wedding!
  How he found love again
• National Enquirer: Paul McCartney
  Bride linked to the mob!

There will be two stories about death in contention for Meanest Story of the Week as of tomorrow, but to tell a story like this about a bride has to count as Co-Meanest Story of the Week, and so I have named it.

On the rocks alert and Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kim'n'Kris in crisis. And, oh yeah, Khloe hates the guy.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Both literally and figuratively, the honeymoon is over for hot hobbit Kim Kardashian and her orc husband Kris Humphries. The wedding was just this August and after a few nice stories about a honeymoon in Italy, it's been a non-stop crap storm for the mismatched pair. Here are the headlines about them.

• OK: Kim&Kris: Faking it for the cameras
• Weekly Life & Style: Exclusive interview
  'What have I done?'
  Kim realizes her marriage is a mistake and demands a break from Kris
  Tears and regret after only 53 days
  

And just to make matters worse for Humphries, currently without a paycheck due to the NBA labor crisis, his sister in law Khloe flat out dislikes him.

• Us Weekly: Sisters torn apart: Why Khloe hates Kris

I really don't understand the public's obsession with this family and I can't tell if a huge wedding plastered all over their show and the gossip rags followed by a quickie divorce will be good or bad for their reality TV empire, but my best guess is that they have peaked and the decline in interest is now inevitable.

Love Bird Alert™: Lauren Conrad dating Dancing With The Stars' Derek Hough.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Lauren Conrad makes it onto two covers this week, which is pretty good work for someone from a reality TV show that's been off the air for more than a year. Us Weekly says she's dating Derek Hough of Dancing With The Stars. Hough denies it.

On the rocks alert: Blake and Leo split!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Back in May, there were three headlines in the same week about new couple Loenardo DiCaprio and Blake Lively. A week later, Us Weekly gave us juicy details about how he wooed her.

Since then, nothing until now, when Us again reports that they have broken up.

You win some, you lose some.

All this week's Real Housewives stuff. And there's a lot.

Publications: Star, In Touch, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell and good bye, Jacqueline Laurita! The Real Housewife gets her first mention on the cover of a supermarket rag this year just as she is quitting the show.

Wise move as far as I can tell, though I don't watch this stuff.

I mean, like ever. Not even stopping for a minute while using the clicker.

Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Housewives fight
  Why Jacqueline quit
• Star: Bethenny divorce
  Her mom tells all
• In Touch: Jacqueline attacks Teresa!
  Why she snapped
• Us Weekly: Teresa's plot to destroy Melissa

On the rocks alert: Six stories about the troubles of Demi and Ashton.

Publications: National Enquirer, Star, People, Us Weekly, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 October 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The trouble in the marriage of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore is easily the Story of the Week on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, with six covers out of ten. (In actuality, it's six of seven. Ashton and Demi are too young to be of interest to the Globe and the low rent Examiner, and the Sun would only be interested in their marital woes if Nostradamus had predicted them.) Usually when there are this many stories, they point all over the place, but with one exception, these pretty much point in the direction of Ashton's penis. Here are the headlines.

• People: Demi's heartbreak
  Her troubled marriage
• National Enquirer: Demi's revenge - She'll destroy cheating Ashton
• Weekly Life & Style: Demi's kids take Ashton's side
• In Touch: Demi's nightmare: Ashton's love child shocker!
  Exclusive: Mistress tells all!
  Unsafe sex in his car and house
  Dumped her after she found out the baby news
  Humiliated Demi can't eat - drops to 95 lbs.!
• Us Weekly: On their anniversary caught cheating
  Ashton hooks up with two girls at an all-night hot tub party. As they enter counseling, can Demi forgive him?
  22-year-old Sara Leal
• Star: Demi & Ashton: The photos that ended their marriage!
  Demi breaks down after Ashton hooks up with 23-year-old on their wedding anniversary
  Ashton's caught cheating on camera
  17 world exclusive photos
  Ashton surrounded by blondes in his hotel room
  Ashton's lover keeps on partying
  
  And for good measure, here's the picture of Sara Leal, the pretty young girl with the big mouth, both literally and figuratively, who is being cast in the role of homewrecker.

Enboobening Alert™: Nicole Richie gets a boob job.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Us says Nicole Richie has had a boob job. If so, it is on the modest side.

Princess under pressure.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Last year when the royal wedding was announced, there were predictions that Kate Middleton would become a gossip magazine superstar. Nine months into 2011, this prediction can be safely said to have come to pass. When stories about her are combined with the stories mentioning her and Prince William together, she has a slight lead over Angelina Jolie as the most talked about celebrity in the American print gossip universe.

This week, it's Us Weekly reminding us that some people who marry for money earn every penny. On the cover they mention kidnap threats, grueling etiquette training, worry over her sudden weight loss and demands for a royal baby.

Hang in there, Kate. Things get better.

Bundle of Joy Alert: How the baby changed Alyssa.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Alyssa Milano! It might be more fitting to say welcome to gossip heck, since Ms. Milano gets the nicest type of story, one where a happily married actress gets to introduce her healthy baby boy Milo to the world. There were no stories about her being pregnant, but that is not uncommon when dealing with actresses best known for TV shows now off the air.

Best wishes to Alyssa and Milo and their whole family.

All the Teen Mom crap for 10 Oct. 2011

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 10 Oct. 11

Four supermarket gossip rags decided to take a dip in the cesspool that is Teen Mom. Here are the headlines, three about Farrah Abraham and one about Catelynn Lowell, just in case anyone reading this can tell the difference between these half-witted bimbettes.

• OK!: Teen Mom Farrah: back with her baby
• In Touch: Farrah's baby: Ditched to party
• Weekly Life & Style: Farrah's regret: She wants Sophia back
• Us Weekly: Teen Mom Catelynn: Afraid Tyler will dump her

Note that there are three completely different takes on the Farrah story, and In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are owned by the same company. Some one need to work on getting their stories straight.

Least interesting cover story of the week: Jessica Simpson postpones her wedding.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Yet again, a celebrity story is on the cover of a supermarket rag without any artwork, so it gets the nod for Least Interesting Story of the Week. I'm sneaking it into the extended Thursday line-up because we have two Jessica Simpson stories that disagree with one another.

Besides no artwork, OK! reported the same story two weeks ago. This means Us is two weeks late and a picture short.

For shame, I say, for shame!

On the rocks alert: Jessica (Biel) betrayed!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Us Weekly has yet another story about man slut Justin Timberlake cheating on Jessica Biel.

I blush to write this because actresses are among the most attractive women in the public eye, but Jessica Biel doesn't do that much for me. Maybe she just doesn't take a good picture.

On the other hand, Justin's alleged latest conquest, Scarlett Johansson, takes a very good picture. Quite often when a celebrity couple breaks up, one party is portrayed as the cheater and the other as the wronged party. In the case of Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett, they both come off as kind of slutty, though Reynolds does get positive stories as a good male role model for Sandra Bullock's adopted son Louis.

Love Bird Alert™: Ryan Reynolds and Olivia Wilde

Publications: Us Weekly, In Touch
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! When Hollywood couples break up, the gossip rags tend to be more interested in how the woman is faring romantically than how the guy is doing. There are some exceptions to this and the most notable if 2011 is Ryan Reynolds, who divorced Scarlett Johannson late last year. He has been on the covers of the supermarket rags more often than she has. The latest alleged love for Reynolds is Olivia Wilde, his co-star from The Change-Up. Here are the headlines.

• Us Weekly: Ryan Moves on from Sandra - with Olivia Wilde!
• In Touch: Poor Sandra... Ryan & Olivia: It's On!
  

Notice how it's supposed to be Sandra Bullock's heart he is breaking with his new relationship. Scarlett is completely out of the picture, at least in the version on the covers this week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Brad hurts Jen's feelings with comments in Parade magazine.

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Star
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on... Wednesdays!?! Yes, there is clearly the Story of the Week, so let's get an early start on it. Some combination Brad and Jen and Angie and Justin (Theroux, the odd man out when it comes to gossip fame in this crowd) show up on an astonishing seven of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and given that none of them are old enough to be interesting to the Globe and the low rent Examiner and Nostradamus foolishly forgot to make any prophecies about them that would be published in the Sun, seven is just about the max anyone can get.

The National Enquirer story is way different from the others, so it will get its own post tomorrow.

Brad Pitt was interviewed in Parade magazine in the publicity run-up to his new movie Moneyball and he made some comments about having no ambition in the 1990s and his marriage to Jennifer Aniston no being what he had hoped for. This has caused a stink and he has publicly apologized, but that doesn't stop the gossip rags from flying off the handle in a jillion different directions. Here are the headlines.

• People: Brad to Jen: 'I'm Sorry'
• OK!: Brad to Jen: I've been living a lie!
  Brad publicly apologizes to Jen
  The shocking truth is finally revealed!
  A humiliated Angelina is devastated
• In Touch: Brad's insults spark a new war
  Jen's man threatens Brad
  Inside their explosive Sept. 14 showdown
  Justin calls Brad a "wimp" and warns, "Shut your mouth!"
  PLUS How Angelina is still fueling the fire
• Weekly Life & Style: Why Brad's jealous of Jen
• Us Weekly: Brad trashes their marriage
  Jen demands an apology
  Enraged by Pitt's cruel attack, Aniston refuses to let him spoil her happiness
• Star: Jen rips Brad for trashing her
  The furious phone call
  
  

As you can see, this story is all over the place. Tomorrow, one completely different gossip story that includes Jen and Angie and Justin and leaves Brad completely out of the picture.