Brave Last Days alert: Larry Hagman's last wish.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 7 Nov. 2011

The low rent Examiner tells us Larry Hagman is cancer stricken and that his last wish is to outlive his dying wife.

Meanest Story nominee: Penny Marshall has six months to live!

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Penny Marshall has been on the Brave Last Days list since last year and the stories about her have been in the Globe. I assumed they thought her life was in danger because of her weight, but instead it was about an alleged cancer diagnosis. In August, the Globe reported a nice story that she had lost weight and the cancer was gone. Here are this week's headlines.

• Penny Marshall dying
• Her cancer is back
• Six months to live
• Race against time to write tell all book
• Then and now pictures

Best wishes to Ms. Marshall, her family and friends. This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Sad Last Days for stars from 60 Minutes.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Mike Wallace and Andy Rooney! The low rent Examiner aims directly for their old as dirt demographic with stories about these guy who have been ticking longer than that damn stop watch. Here are the headlines.

• Mike Wallace fading fast
• Andy Rooney forced out

For those of you keeping track of such things, Mike Wallace is 92 and Andy Rooney is the snot-nosed kid of this duo at 91.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Charlie Sheen has six months to live! (Friends fear.)

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The supermarket rags do not usually hover over the truly flaming hot messes of Hollywood. If they did, Charlie Sheen would have become a fixture in the top ten celebrities list. The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are much more interested in the love lives of Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Aniston.

But after a flurry of stories in March, Charlie has had only two headlines in the mags since until this week, when he moves from the Brave Last Days list to the Expiration Date list. According to the low rent Examiner, his friends fear he has only six months to live. It should be noted that it was the low rent Examiner that put Charlie on the Not Long 4 This World list last year when it reported Martin Sheen was trying to intervene to save his son.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Barbara Bush's sad last days!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Barbara Bush is added to the tabloid vulture watch list this week because she's missing her granddaughter's wedding. The low rent Examiner is missing the possibility that the elder Mrs. Bush is just a "rhymes with witch" and doesn't like the granddaughter.

Last year, the low rent Examiner said that George H.W. Bush gave his ne'er-do-well son George and ultimatum to fix his marriage before the old man died, so he is also on the tabloid vulture watch list.

Whatever I think of their politics, this is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Doris Day pleads for your prayers in her sad last days

Publication: Sun
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

For the second time in 2011, the Sun has a set of predictions supposed to occur this year that includes a Brave Last Days alert. In June, they said a weeping statue would herald Billy Graham going home to heaven, and now they say Doris Day wants your prayers in her Sad Last Days.

If it's any consolation to either Mr. Graham or Ms. Day, as bad as the tabloid vultures are at predicting death, the Sun and their prophecies are even worse.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Loretta Lynn. THE END

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 12 Sept. 2011

Once again, the vultures of the tabloid press go after Miss Loretta Lynn, this time pumping the warning up to Defcon Whatever. The only other celebrity to get "THE END" treatment was Miss Elizabeth Taylor and she was dead within six weeks of that.

As always, best wishes to Miss Loretta Lynn, her family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest story nominee: Kirk Douglas' Brave Last Days.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 15 August 2011

The low rent Examiner gives a Brave Last Days cover story to Kirk Douglas, one of the last great Hollywood stars from the 1940s and 1950s who is still with us. The story says he has trouble walking and talking, and anyone who saw this year's Oscars knows this is true and it has been for a while. He had a stroke in 1996, he's 94 years old, but he's still got a lot of piss and vinegar in him, bless him.

Best wishes to Kirk Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.